Twenty Ways to Join the Crap Writers Club
Follow these time-honored methods to ruin your writing—you’re guaranteed to annoy readers for generations to come
Publisher’s note: We’re gifted with an elucidatingly wry set of writing instructions by one of my favorite writers. James Bellerjeau describes himself as a mechanic of the human soul—a modern Stoic. He formerly ran the legal department of a large company and began writing online in 2022. James has amassed an empire of hundreds of stories, four wildly popular Medium publications, and A Fine Idea, his latest Substack venture. James says, “It takes a single idea to change your life. And it can come in any form at any time.”
Two wise men¹ tell us to study all the ways we can screw things up. If we know where the pitfalls lie, we can choose to avoid them.
It is often a challenge to find outstanding role models. Only a tiny fraction of all the people who have lived lead emulable lives. How wonderful that when it comes to shitty examples, we are spoiled for choice.
Like the offal discarded from the slaughterhouse each day, left to fester while attracting maggots, pungent samples of what not do to abound.
Here, I discuss ways to ensure your writing will go unread. What readers happen to chance across, they won’t enjoy reading.
Write like I’ve outlined here and your work is guaranteed to vanish into obscurity, leaving only the stink of unpleasant memories in those who stumbled upon it.²
I Just Wanna Be Free!
1. Grammar is for other people
The best reasons i can think of, to disobye the rules of grammar are That it caches peeples’ attention. Isnt that what we want????? 4 our words; to jump out and have seen by one & all!
2. Conventions are conformist tools
Title and subtitle? Feature image? Capitalization? Bah! Nitpicky rules maintained by pinch-eyed copy editors who are jealous they never got a real job. You can ignore them completely. When you detach your work from any conditions, you can write unconditionally. That’s freedom.
3. Form is for fools
The unbelievable gall of publications to publish lengthy submission guidelines! Who gives a fuck what they want, and do they really think busy writers have time to read them? The arrogance of these people never ceases to amaze me.
Never, never follow a publication’s rules. That makes you their bitch.
4. Shove your Oxford comma
The proper place to use a comma is wherever the heck you put it. What genius said that you should be consistent? Haha, I don’t think so. Use commas or don’t. Chances are your readers have no clue either, so they won’t notice or mind.
5. Spelling is for sycophants
Show me a person who has no typos in their work and I’ll show you someone who never sought greatness. If you want to create something new, you have to be willing to break boundaries. That includes spelling. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
I Just Wanna Be Me!
6. What’s the reader ever done for you?
Why should you bend over backward for readers? All this talk about understanding your reader and helping your reader. Jesus wept. Why don’t they do some work and meet us halfway? No, stop catering to halfwits. If a reader doesn’t get you, chances are they’re not putting in the work.
7. Whatever you’re feeling, let it out
Leave it to Buddhists, Zen masters, and Stoics to observe their emotions and keep them in check. Good writing comes from the heart. The more raw your emotions the more powerful they are.
Angry, frustrated, sad, delusional, hysterical — that shit’s dangerous to keep locked up. How liberating it is to write whatever comes to mind! Let it out and be amazed at the effect it has on your writing.
8. You can’t tell me what to do!
In case you hadn’t noticed, the whole world is an overlapping scheme of oppressive systems designed to keep the average peon in her place. Follow the rules, don’t make waves, go along to get along. All these are none-too-cleverly disguised plots to keep us cowed and conforming.
Not you! Your writing is not a cry for individuality; it’s a giant middle finger to the man. Plus, disassociating yourself from the urge for control brings you true freedom.
9. Writing is the ultimate personal expression
Your feelings. Your truth. Logic is one of those oppressive plots, too. Because each individual is a perfect entity, none more so than you, every word that falls from your lips is a gem to be worshipped. A person must treasure your utterances without reservation or they are rejecting your essential personhood.
Make Freeloading Readers Work
10. A reader who isn’t willing to work isn’t worthy
Logic, structure, titles, subtitles — they all work to make the reader lazy. It was hard for you to create your brilliant thoughts. Why should it be easy for the reader? Do you want unintelligent people to get you or smart people? I am amazed how many supposedly smart writers miss this.
11. Fancy words are for you, not readers
You worked hard to build your vocabulary. Use it! The people who say use simple words are the same ones who say, “Pay your taxes,” “Don’t drive drunk,” “Treat all guns as loaded,” and similar inanities meant only to limit us. If a reader knows all the words you use, you’re not giving full expression to your wonderfulness.
12. Every single sentence is golden
Whether you have no paragraph breaks at all or you put a break after every third word — it’s your choice. That’s because every word you write is manna from your fingertips. It doesn’t matter if your pet budgie escaped its cage and pecked 100 extra paragraph breaks in your work — if it comes under your name, readers should feel lucky to be consuming your words, however you present them.
13. If readers don’t get the point, they should read it again
I’ve seen editors ask writers to clarify the point of an article. The bloody cheek! Who says every article must have a point? Last I checked, we’re not in school here.
And has that precious editor considered that the writer has a beautiful point that the editor completely missed? Rage against lazy readers, always and everywhere. If they don’t get the point, they don’t measure up. Not your problem.
Don’t Let Anyone Tell You Differently
14. Experts think they’re so smart
What makes them better than you? The doctor, the engineer, the scientist. They’re just trying to exert dominance with their systems and their hierarchy. If we’ve learned anything these last several years, it’s that experts are just as likely to be biased hacks as everyone else. They’re no better than us.
15. Be passive, let the action come to you
It’s been said that good things come to those who wait. The meek shall inherit the earth. In light of this, what impatient type insists on rushing towards the action and forcing it to come? Let things unfold in their own, good time. Make others do the work.
16. Words are violence — avoid violent words
Use “be” words (is, are, was, were, be, been) to take the danger out of your sentences. Never use a strong verb when a softer one will do. Modify your verbs to avoid that they ever offend.
17. There are no dirty words
Screw schoolmarm nannies who clutch their pearls at every errant “Fuck!” Those cunts wouldn’t know good writing if it smacked them across their gormless, shit-addled, pates.
18. Cliches are a dime a dozen for a reason
Ignorance is bliss, and nowhere is this truer than when using cliches. It’s work to invent a new phrase. Why would you think outside the box when shaking your toolbox for words? If it glitters, that’s because it IS gold. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Go ahead and use any phrase you see that you like.
Never Look Back
19. This race goes to the swift
The second you’ve stopped writing, hit the publish button. It doesn’t matter if the story is developed or even done. The point is to move fast. For every idiot who writes something and then pauses, you will leap ahead.
20. Ignore feedback
People will give you feedback and “constructive criticism.” You may safely ignore all of it. Who says they know anything?
And taking advice is a surefire giveaway that you think you did something wrong or have something to learn. Hence, it’s a form of systemic oppression wielded by people looking to dominate you. Don’t be fooled.
Anyone who follows the items on this list is guaranteed to leave a mark with their work. It’ll be a skidmark, true, but tell me that infamy doesn’t sell just as well as talent. Go ahead, I’m waiting.
Be well.
¹ The first wise man is Charlie Munger, who explained how Carl Gustav Jacobi’s maxim to “invert, always invert” was his most useful tool in avoiding mistakes. The second wise man is Uvebruce, who gave me the push to write this piece.
² If you’d rather write engagingly and well, I pity you. That’s much harder. Only a few people will manage it. What makes you think you’re so special?
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Funny! And a little risky, too, which is interesting. I'm a proud crappy writer, with all my white space and paragraph breaks. Because walls of text are hard to climb (and rampant on Substack).
I love this. I’m still learning but I do have enough experience that I did grow a lot over the years.